White Light\Black Rain: The Destruction Of Hiroshima And Nagasaki Page #3

got to try chocolate

and the other

wonderful things of life.

l truly wish

l could have died,

instead of them.

l felt so much guilt.

l wanted to kill myself.

My sister stopped talking.

l told her, ''Hang on,

Life is worth living.''

But she missed our mother

and fell deeper into despair.

She jumped in front

of a train going at full speed.

l just couldn't go on.

So l went

to the train tracks

and stood where

my sister had stood.

l heard the train whistle and waited

as the train rushed towards me.

But l became afraid

and jumped aside.

l realized

there are two

kinds of courage--

the courage to live

and the courage to die.

My sister had

the courage to die.

Me?

l chose the courage to live.

Even if l'm alone,

l still want to live.

l don't hold a grudge.

Japan lost the war.

But how do we live tomorrow?

What do we eat?

The basic things.

How do we survive?

We didn't know

about radiation.

We called it ''pika don.''

''Pika don'' was like

a dirty word for the bomb.

And the ''pika don'' people

became the untouchables.

We were treated like dirt.

But we still had to eat.

We stole corn

from people's fields.

We didn't know everything

was irradiated.

The only things

l didn't eat were

cats, mice and humans.

There were no mice.

The cats were too quick

to catch.

The humans, well,

we wouldn't.

Besides, they were covered

with maggots after 3 days.

We found a way to survive.

When l felt like giving up,

which l often did,

l'd remember

l was Catholic

and suicide isn't allowed,

so l'd better

just suck it up.

Our shelter was a hole

on the side of a mountain

with water dripping on us.

lt was hard to stay dry or sleep.

ln front of our shack they built,

an airstrip for the Americans.

There were skeletons

all over the area.

So when they

built the airfield,

the bones were

crushed into dust.

When the Americans came,

we were scared to see

all the jeeps.

But they were kind to us.

They gave us chocolate

and chewing gum.

ln no time,

we were yelling,

''Hello, hello.''

We were just kids.

l asked them, ''Why?''

''Why did you

kill my family?''

''Why did they

deserve to die?''

Of course they didn't

understand Japanese.

They just smiled at me.

''Give them back to me,''

l shouted.

lt pains me

to think

we were guinea pigs.

The American doctors picked

us up at school and put us in jeeps.

We went into a room

and stripped naked.

lf you had purple spots

or diarrhea they examined you,

but they didn't treat us.

Even though

we survived,

we couldn't live

or die like human beings.

ln Nagasaki, the government

did nothing for the survivors.

The streets were

full of orphans.

We had no housing or food.

Children were

killing themselves.

Something needed to be done.

Friends l met

at the hospital,

people hurt like me--

burned, disabled,

with missing limbs.

We talked about

our problems

and decided to

form an organization

for survivors.

We proposed that

since Japan started the war,

it should

take responsibility

for the victims

of the bombings.

That's what we wanted.

We were angry

at the government.

So we became activists.

The death and destruction

was horrible,

but sometimes

it's harder to survive.

Most survivors look

fine on the outside,

but they live with

the bomb everyday.

Other people can't

begin to understand

what they go through.

ln Japan, if people find out

you're an atomic bomb survivor,

nothing good will happen.

They face discrimination.

They can't get jobs.

lf they get married,

they could have

deformed children.

My wife is also a survivor.

Thank God,

our children are normal,

but it could show up later.

What about

my grandchildren?

l still worry.

The bomb is still

with me.

l've had 6 miscarriages

because of it.

l had abnormalities with

my reproductive system

and was told

l couldn't have children.

l've had so many tumors.

One turned out

to be colon cancer.

They found tumors

in my pancreas,

tumors in my thyroid,

tumors on my back.

They seem to

pop up everywhere.

Their children,

boys or girls,

will face obstacles in marriage,

if people find out.

This is the reality

even today.

l'm already 72 years old.

lf you ask me, they're just

waiting for us to die.

Soon, the Japanese government

won't have to worry about us.

For a long time,

l didn't want

to think about it.

l avoided anything

related to the war--

newspaper stories,

television shows,

lt's over 60 years

since the bomb.

lt still haunts me.

l can't forgive myself

for what happened

to my brother

and sister.

Not a single day goes by

that l don't think of them.

''l'm sorry, l'm sorry.''

My bones are so

thin and brittle,

they'll break if

l cough violently.

l've shown you

my wounds

because l want

you to know

this can't

happen again.

lt's painful

how people react

when they see me.

l can't change

what happened.

lt doesn't matter

how much l cry,

my body will

never be normal.

l must accept this

and be part

of the world.

Since Japan lost the war,

the U.S. Occupation force

wrote our constitution.

Article 9 of

the constitution says:

''No navy.

No army.

No air force.

No weapons production.''

lt's an extraordinary

document.

No matter what,

we must protect it.

All this pain we carry

in our hearts

and in our bodies,

it must end with us.

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